Hole in the Wall

I guess it all started when the cheeseburgers started talking to me.  I would order them at the “Hole in the Wall” Café on 5th and Elm and I guess they just didn’t like the relish I was putting on them.  They always kept telling me:  “Relish is for hotdogs you dumb person!”  

But I would eat them anyway.  I mean, why not?  They are delicious meat from cows!  And why would they be talking to me anyway…I guess it was because the hotdogs were having a riot in Aisle 7 in the Food Mart; holding the beets for hostage and the ketchup for ransom.  It could have been the French, or now called Freedom, Fries that instigated all of this.  Food has really gone down the toilet these days with all the steroids that are put into them and the antibiotics.  

And of course while all of this is going on, my friend Shawn on America’s Hat is telling me that all of this is retarded.  I mean, he has an unnatural color of his hair so why should I be-

Ok, ok, I am really getting off topic here.  So I watched the Hotdog Rebellion (it was named that in 2007) and winced when a store manager tried to put it down.  He tried to call in the National Guard but they were too afraid of the Kahn’s Wieners and their artillery of mustard.  He, unfortunately for him, was a casualty of the Rebellion.  The leader was actually a name brand (only in New York of course) Price Chopper 6 Pack.  I called him John just so I didn’t have to say that whole name.  Our conversation kind of went like this:
“So I heard you were made in the Price Chopper manufacturing plant but actually sold through the Kahn’s Distribution.”
“Yes, it was horrible what we had to go through.”  John replied.   How he actually spoke I will never know.

So here I was, talking to hotdogs about where they were made and packed and meanwhile the French, I mean Freedom Fries were attacking the customers in the meat aisle.  Screams of pure horror were heard and I sighed.  I pulled out my trusty .357 magnum and lined up a few wiener-rific headshots that even the Master Chief (think Halo) would approve of.  Amid all the blood, I mean ketchup, shed I had to laugh because I was vaporizing hotdogs with a huge pistol.  

The Rebellion was soon over and the customers were bowing to my awesome marksmanship skills.  But you know me and I holstered my pistol after cleaning it off from all the splattered ketchup, I took a bow.  But then I realized the Freedom Fries were still alive and I had to hunt down their leader.  Jacque Le Snooty French Fry was his name and I recalled he had really bad body odor and was always correcting people on their French in that snooty accent of his.  Not to badmouth the French of course but just the French Fries.  So anyway, back to my story, I walked down the condiment aisle when I ambushed by Jacque himself!
“Hey, you snobby American piece of trash!”  He even had that hat with the little thing on the top of it; you know the one that artists wear?  “Look who is the boss now Mr. American white trash piece!”  Tons of armed French Fries were all around me and they all had semi auto ketchup launchers and I knew that I would be in for a shootout.  
“You’ll never take me alive!”  I rolled behind a pickle display and began popping off Fries one by one.  They exploded into potatoey goodness and I sighted on Jacque.
“No please don’t turn me into mush!”  He screamed so I picked him up (he was very small after all) and threw him to the lobster.  I walked back to the Hole in the Wall and had myself a good cup of clam chowder.  

End!